I don’t know what it is that is compelling me to write about this now, so many years after it actually happened to me. Perhaps its my stumbling upon of the MRM and my slowly and steadily growing knowledge of the subject. I’ve never been subjected to any kind of sexual abuse by a woman or anything like that but I’ve been abused both mentally and physically by two of my exs that I stayed with for over a year each. I wont go into the mental abuse as much even though personally I feel like that left me the most damaged. So I’ll start of literally at the start of my abuse, which is literally the start of my intimate relationships with girls. My first real girlfriend and I met through church when I was in 6th grade, we were just friends up until 7th grade when I asked her to go out with me. It was fine to begin with, I was really happy with where I was at that time, my relationship with her was probably more mature than most kids our age, it wasn’t some middle school fling. As we got more and more serious, she became more and more demeaning towards me, I remember hearing things like “You can’t do better than me” and “I only am with you because I’d of felt bad saying no to you.” She was controlling over me and occasionally physically abusive. You see she had a pill habit and a cutting problem, she wanted me to do both of those too. If I objected she’d slap me, scratch me, pull my hair, I’d been punched and kicked in the groin as well on more than one occasion. But, I thought I loved her and I thought what was happening to me was normal. I stayed away from the pills and the only cuts on my wrists were from when she’d dig her nails into my wrist so that if I pulled away it’d rip open the skin, which followed in her blaming me. Eventually we grew distant and broke up, turned out she’d been cheating on me once she went to high school (she was a year older than me) we got back together for a few weeks where she proceeded to dump me on our would have been anniversary which was a school dance, in front of all of my friends. Personally I think she got back with me after the initial break up, where I broke up with her, so that she could be the one who hurt the other the most in the end.
After I got to high school I met a girl in PE, she was hyper, short, skinny, athletic, but most importantly, new and different. She wasn’t the pill addicted, “emo” girlfriend I had had before, she wore bright clothes was loud. I liked that, she was as far from my first ex as she could be. Sure enough, my crush quickly became another long lasting relationship. Little did I know, I was getting together with a sadist. She was fine for the most part, it made me feel weird when she’d overpower me, and pin me in painful positions, all while laughing. It was abuse, but not like I was used to. I was used to someone wanting me to be closer to them, my previous girlfriend just wanted me to be on the same level as her, get us closer together. But my new girlfriend perplexed me. I had developed A LOT of chest hair for a freshmen, I had thick black curly hairs from my downstairs to the bottom of my neck, and I was really self-conscious about it. She didn’t help. She constantly ridiculed me for it, telling me how ugly it was, and to shave it off. So I did. But by then I’d developed a bit of a gut. So she just made fun of my weight. Her physical abuse never ceased either, she liked to put pressure on any sensitive part of my body, she’d squeeze my groin, push down on my throat, and put knuckles into my pressure points. She left the school sophomore year to play softball for another school. Whenever we’d see each other she’d always tell me about all the football player that would hit on her, and how these guys would walk to class, carry her there, or how they’d slap her butt in the halls. I felt helpless, which was her favorite place to put me. I’d always ask her to come back, our school often tried to help kids out who wanted to play sports at other schools. But she’d always tell me how “she liked it there” right after one of her “football player carrying her to class” stories which really hurt. I remember one time after my chest hair came back, she was trying to rip some out of it, and when I pushed her away she freaked out and started telling people that I shove her around. At a party, of my friends and she forced me to apologize.Eventually we broke up too, but both of those relationships left deep scars, scars that me and my current girlfriend deal with sometimes, like my horrible self image, my trust issues, and my need to fight back emotionally if I feel attacked. It was hard for me to come away from but I’m in a healthy relationship now, and I try not to look back too often. But yeah…thought I’d share.